Beauty Contests Are For Pansies
by Pearl Teardrops
Summary: When two homosexual celebrities come to South Park to hold a beauty contest for the school, The boys of South Park become suspicious..[Chapter 2 up!]
1. Spitballs & Cheesy Poofs

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, or any of the characters. This fan-fic is strictly for entertainment purposes only. (If you're a homosexual, or you know someone who is-and you're easily offended by homophobe jokes; do not read this.)

Beauty Contests Are For Pansies

By: Pearl Teardrops

"Alright class," replied Mr. Garrison as he finished up with a lesson. "Your assignment for tonight will be to write a one page paper on George Washington." His back was faced to the class as he finished up writing the small section of notes on the dusty black chalkboard. He was delirious to Eric Cartman, who was sitting in the back row. He had a homemade spitball shooter, and was ready to take aim at the unsuspecting teacher. All of a sudden, Wendy looked to Cartman, narrowing her eyes. She turned her head and shouted out loud to Mr. Garrison.

"Mr. Garrison!"

As he turned around, the spitball landed write on top of his baldhead.

A loud explosion of laughter poured out from Cartman as he saw the look on Mr. Garrison's face. Kenny, Stan and Kyle all snickered as well, looking up from their notes.

"Eric?!" Said Mr. Garrison, peeling the goopy spitball from his head.

"How'd you like to visit the prin-" Before he could say another word, the dismissal bell rang loudly in the small classroom. 

The class got up quickly to grab their books, Eric speeding unusually fast out of the classroom before Mr. Garrison could even get a chance to look at him again.

* * *

A few short minutes later, Eric was with his normal group of friends, walking down the hallway, heading for the door. 

"That was kickass, Cartman!" Stan said with a large grin.

"Yeah. I wouldn't ever be able to get enough balls to do that!" added Kyle.

"Heh-heh! I know. It was sweet!" Cartman said, commenting himself.

Kenny said nothing, because as far as he knew, Cartman was an arrogant jackass who did everything for attention.

As they walked out of the school, Wendy stopped in front of the four boys, a sneer fixed upon her face. As Stan saw her, he blinked for a moment and puked right in front of Wendy's feet.

Seeing as Stan always puked when she was around him, Wendy paid hardly any attention, being too mad to acknowledge Stan today.

"You know, Eric... What you did in there was really dumb! I just wanted you to know that!" She then abruptly stomped off towards her mother's car that was waiting out front and hopped in.

As the car sped away the four boys boarded the bus. 

" Damnit! Wendy's such a bitch. All she does is complain anyway." Cartman replied as they found an open seat in the bus. Kyle sat next to him as Stan and Kenny both sat in the seat behind him.

"Wendy isn't a bitch, you fat ass!" Stan snapped from behind.

"I'm not a fat ass!!" Cartman said as he turned to face Stan. "Besides, you always puke when you see her anyway! How can you pay attention to her ugly ass when you're pukin'?!" 

The bus driver glanced in the large mirror, and yelled angrily. "Sit your asses down and face the front!!" 

Cartman did this hesitantly, mumbling insults under his breath.

Soon enough, the bus made a slow halt at the bus stop. The four boys jumped off steps and said their good byes. 

Cartman headed down the street a ways, not being able to wait until he got home. He was already craving his beloved Cheesy Poofs, and couldn't wait any longer. As soon as he got to his house, he dropped his book bag, and ignored Kitty as it came up to greet him.

"Mom! I'm home!" He replied as he wandered into the kitchen.

Mrs. Cartman was washing some dishes in the sink, but she turned and wiped her hands. She smiled at her son and grabbed a large bowl from a cabinet.

"How was school, honey?" She replied as she grabbed a full bag of cheesy poofs and dumped it into the bowl.

"Yeah, yeah! It was fine!" He said quickly. " Can I have my cheesy poofs now?!" He asked.

Mrs. Cartman kissed Eric on the top of his head and handed him the bowl.

Cartman grabbed the bowl out of her hands and sped out into the living room on the sofa. He took the remote and plopped down.

"Ahhh... " He said as he sighed in relief and started to much on his Cheesy Poofs.

The news flickered on, and a man in a suit was sitting behind a desk. He was talking about something that seemed quite boring to Cartman, until a picture of Elton John and Boy George came up on the screen.

Cartman laughed as he muched on his cheesy poofs.

"Damn Pansies." He then listened more closely to the TV.

" It seems as though openly gay super-stars Boy George and Elton John have agreed to do a small beauty contest for educational charity here in South Park. It's for girls in grades 3 and 4. Auditions will be held next Tuesday at South Park Elementary School. George and Elton both hope to see you there! "

Cartman laughed again as he swallowed a cheesy poof, almost choking on it. He managed to get it down, and continued to eat.

Just then, Mrs. Cartman ran in, hearing his raspy choking sounds.

"Eric, honey, are you alright?" She asked, rushing next to her son.

Eric found this a great opportunity to get more Cheesy Poofs. He suddenly put on a suffering frown, his eyes looking downward. He slumped on the sofa.

"Oh, Eric, dear! Do you need Mommy to get you something?"

He nodded slowly, looking up to her, the halo forming above his head.

"What is it..?" She said, fixing his hat, looking down reassuringly at him.

"Some more Cheesy Poofs would be nice." Cartman said, sniffling some.

A/N: I hoped you liked my First Chapter. If I get good enough reviews, I'll continue. But flames are also accepted-I just need you opinion. So please, REVIEW!


	2. The Gay Guys' Big Plan

Only a week had passed by and Tuesday had come. Audition day. It was beautiful snowy afternoon. Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny were standing all around waiting for the bus to pick up them up from school.  
  
"So what do you guys think of the beauty contest?" Kyle asked.  
  
"I think," Cartman started, standing up. "those stupid gay asses should stay outta South Park. They don't need to be putting on any friggin' beauty contest. Besides, all the ugly people always go out for it. "  
  
"But my mom was in a Beauty contest when she was in school." Kyle replied.  
  
"Exactly, Kyle! Your mom is an ugly ass bitch! Plus, she has stupid hair." Cartman said.  
  
"You fat ass bastard!" Kyle said, tackling him on the ground. He grabbed Cartman's head and beat it against the snow. Stan and Kenny both got into it. Both of them punching at Cartman.  
  
{"Get the hell off him, jack ass!} Kenny yelled.  
  
Butters saw the fight was going on as he walked past and ran into the school and got Mr. Garrison. He managed to pry the four fighting boys away from each other.  
  
"Alright boys. Now, all four of you get to stay after here until your parents pick you up. Besides-the bus just left." He said leading them back into the school.  
  
* * *  
  
"Damnit, Cartman!" Kyle whispered as they all sat chairs against the wall in the office. There was an old secretary behind the large desk typing up something on a typewriter.  
  
"Shut up, Kyle." Cartman whispered harshly.  
  
{"Oh come on you guys! Stop fighting!"} Kenny said, looking at Cartman and Kyle.  
  
"Yeah, both of you got us into this mess." Stan replied.  
  
"Okay, okay. Whatever!" Kyle said.  
  
After a few minutes of hearing the click-clicking sounds of the typewriter, Cartman looked at the other three boys.  
  
"I'm bored as hell.." Cartman said, looking around. "I say, we go to the gay ass auditions for that beauty contest to see what they're doing." Cartman said as he saw the secretary go into the teacher's lounge for some coffee.  
  
"Alright, let's go." Stan said, getting up from the chair.  
  
"I think that it's in Mr. Garrison's room." Cartman replied as he too got up from the chair and led the way.  
  
Kyle and Kenny soon followed, and they all made their way down the hallway.  
  
"So. What do you think they judge them on?" Kyle asked.  
  
{"Well, they won't be looking at much, since Cartman said all the ugly girls sign up for it."} Kenny replied.  
  
Kyle glared at Kenny. "Don't push it."  
  
They all quieted down as they approached Mr. Garrison's room. The door was cracked open, and Cartman got the first look inside.  
  
There were girls lined up on the wall, and he saw that Bebe and Wendy were two of the many girls there. But it was unusually quiet. Then, standing in front of them, there was two rather short men. There they were! Boy George and Elton John! They were both wearing bright pink and white suits with flamboyant colored shoes and also had loads of jewelry on. There were also two bodyguards sitting in the back in some chairs. Mr. Garrison was no where in sight.  
  
"Well, what is it Cartman?!" Kyle whispered trying to get a peek behind Cartmans round pudgy body.  
  
"Hold your God damn horses!" Cartman whispered back.  
  
Cartman continued to watch, but then listened closely as Boy George spoke.  
  
"Hello, girls. I'm glad you've all come today, and we'll start by going over some tests." He had a thick, yet girly British accent.  
  
Elton smiled at the 3rd and 4th grade girls.  
  
"Yes, it won't be very long." Elton replied, taking a large gold chain out. It had a large golden pendant attached to it.  
  
"Alright. I want each of you to relax yourselves and look at this pendant. This test is done to make sure you can."  
  
"Focus." Boy George added, knowing he didn't quite think of how he was going to follow through with the lie.  
  
"Yes. So please focus on this pendant." Elton said, swinging it back and forth. Back, and forth. Over and over.  
  
All of the girls' eyes were following the brilliant gold pendant. Boy George smiled evilly and added with a soft hypnotic voice.  
  
"You are all getting very tired.. very.. sleepy.. You can feel your eye lids getting heavier..and heavier. and heavier. because you are so.so.. very sleepy."  
  
The girls' eyes slowly shut, but they were still standing very relaxed.  
  
Cartman looked back at the boys and made room so they could see. As soon as Stan saw what was going on he looked to Cartman.  
  
"What the hell are they doing?!"  
  
"I think they're hypnotizing them." Cartman said.  
  
"Well, I'm gonna stop it! They're hypnotizing my Wendy!" He said reaching for the knob.  
  
"No!" Kyle said, pulling Stan back. "We should tell the police."  
  
{"Yeah, they would know what to do."} Kenny added, still looking on.  
  
"Let's just watch to see what's gonna happen." Replied Cartman said, looking back inside.  
  
"Now. I have to tell you all, that this is not really an audition for a beauty contest. I need you all to come work..we need you all to work in our sweatshop .. Where you can make designer label clothes for gay men everywhere!" Elton laughed evilly.  
  
"Shut up, ass!" Boy George said. Hitting Elton girlishly on the shoulder.  
  
"Ouch, God dammit!" Elton said, rubbing his shoulder.  
  
"So.. I need you all to focus.. Focus. Focus."  
  
"Oh My God! We have to go tell the police NOW!" Kyle said, tugging on Cartman's coat.  
  
"Okay. Let's go!" Stan said, walking away from the door.  
  
"I told you guys we don't need to pansy asses here!" Cartman complained as he followed the other 3 down the hallway.  
  
A/N: I know my first chapter was really bad. I tried to make this one better, and I hope I succeeded in doing so. Please review! Again, all types of reviews are excepted. 


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